A lot has happened since I wrote the last time....

There is a lot that has happened. S became just another person I met in life. It is amazing how he faded out of my life so quickly. Never imagined it would happen so fast. With sessions with R have made me stronger and more accepting of myself. I am trying to deal with the ghosts from the past more rationally and put them to rest.

Career crisis settled now. I have a new job hopefully something that will be hooked on to. Life began to be more peaceful than I thought it would be. Things started falling into place one by one. I met B a wonderful human being who has made so incredibly happy. B is a friend of professor. We met while I was still hoping for something with S but more convinced that it wasn't going anywhere. B came into my life as a friend. Someone who needed company in a new city and whose company brought breath of fresh air into my chaotic life. Whose calm self took all my worries away. When this friend became more than just a friend I don't know. What started out as "let's see where this goes" has become a part of my life.

The refreshing vacation in the far away mountains helped me clear my mind. I experienced first hand what they mean by the "mountain air" that clears your mind. It cleared my mind. I was uncertain about B. I wasn't sure what it was and where it was going. But the cool air told me to stop thinking and leave things to nature and time and I did. I just enjoyed the moments and let things be. I still try to do. Only off late my old habits of insecurity and anger, mood swings and impatience are creeping into my happy world threatening to take the happiness away.

I hope the dark clouds are only passing clouds and there will be clear sky. I am trying hard to be a better person. To trust my partner, to believe in good things that life has to offer. This time I am not going to let the ghosts from the past take my happiness away. When I meet R this time I will be more than ready to talk about the pain.

One of the things the vacation did to me was also throw clarity into other confusions in my life. The time and space I got helped me take some decisions I have been unable to. There is a fresh start to life now and hope this time its a good start.

Now for some career talk

I don't know if something is wrong with me. I don't feel motivated to work at all. I have decided to quit the current one, don't want to take another one. Even if I do, I already know I am not going to stick on for too long, a year or two max. The career drive people talk about seems to have gone out. I don't feel like to going to work at all these days. It kills me to pull myself up every morning. It kills me even more when my next option isn't there either. I want to just quit go home and figure things out. But I don't know if that is the right thing to do. Being clueless is hardwork, who ever thought being lost is easy. I am at sink or swim stage in life, I hope I can swim my way through and not sink.

It's all over now

A lot has happened these past few weeks. Reading through the last couple of months posts, I realised I was never sure of things working out with S. It was too good to be true. The way it all started out it was quite nice. He went out of his way (or may be not) to say the right things; make me feel the right way. Of course in the end he didn’t really say anything at all. It was all just very easy for him to let go or so I want to believe. Anyway the fairy tale ride is finally over now.

It is back to reality time. I try my best not to think of S much. But sometimes I can’t help it. It was so reassuring to have someone to talk to always. I come back from somewhere my instinct wants to call him hear that loud laughter, that soothing voice asking me how I am, if my back hurts and asking me to eat and rest. I realised while I was in it I was never sure of it working out or how much I liked being with S. Now that it’s not there anymore, whatever we had, I miss it terribly. I miss someone calling me fraud and boss. I keep playing those conversations over and over in my head.

I am not angry at all. I am only sad the way things turned out. There is a part of me that wants to believe that things weren't working out and I am better off moving on. There is a part of me that's wondering if I rushed into ending it. There is another part of me that's wondering why you didn't ask me to hang in there, wait it out till we both figured things out. I know there is no point in asking these questions as it over now. But I had to put it down here. I have been having a million conversations in my head. I know I will move on eventually but for now the memories are still fresh and I still think about you a lot. I think about the times we could read each other's mind. How you would call when I was just thinking about you. How every time I thought you didn't care you surprised me and showed me how much you cared. I miss everything about us. I hadn't felt this way about someone in a long time. No one made me laugh so much. Even the last time we met, you said there was nothing that was going wrong with us; there was nothing about me that bothered you. I couldn't say the same about you. I wanted so much more and I couldn't tell you that. It is all for the good I hope that we both go our separate ways. Hopefully we will find what we are looking for. Hopefully it was just me moments we have with someone but a lifetime. In the end you did go with the flow and kept true to the statement "whatever works for you". I will never be able to use it the same way. My favorite city will never be the same for me. It has such happy memories. Life will go on with those happy memories......

I have no title for this one. I have only been writing more often when I am bit upset about something. I wonder why that is. Anyway can't figure why. So I am going to pour my heart out again. Strangely this is so much easier than talking anyone and letting them know how I feel. It feels lame to take their time and ask them to just listen. I really dont have much to say. I have questions a lot of them about my life. For which I know they won't have answers and neither do I. But atleast I can spell it out here.

This career crisis seem to be taking me through many crossroads. Atleast I have decided to make things easy for myself and settle for the middle class option, go with the one that pays me more. Not sure how long I will last the next one. Don't think I have figured my calling yet! Law was that until recently. Anyway known devil is better the unknown. Decided to stick with law for the time being.

This is having a greater impact in my personal life. Anyway that discussion is for another day here. Right now I am wondering why I am unsure and not able to see the good side of something thats happening in my life. I think it is because I have no reason to think it is going anywhere. Had a great weekend yet came back feeling more confused and upset than I was before. I wonder if I should have taken that effort and made that trip at all. As much as I want to believe that things will happen it seems to good to be true to work out.

I wish things get better soon and I know what exactly is going on. Till then... just hoping, wishing, waiting, wondering....

Waiting and the Distance

We are all creatures of habit. It's amazing how we get used to things before we know it. We do get over them but the phase before we phase out the habit is rather painful. I am so used to talking to you that now the wait seems longer. I am a creature of habit. I used to talking to you. Does it mean anything or not I don't know. I hope this isn't phasing out. But it is a bit painful to wait for that phone to beep or ring. I know it isnt easy for you either but what do I do I am just another selfish human being. I hope this wait ends for me one way or the other. The distance is killing too so is the waiting.

Soul Searching

Now that I have decided to quit my job everyone is asking me what next. Most of them asked me why. Most of them also highly disapproving of this move. I couldn't hold on to a dead end job forever. A year was good enough. But I have no clue what I want to do next. Its not like I slogged it and now don't want to do anything. I do want to do something but what that something is I have no idea. Is this is normal? I don't know. I always took pride in my professional choices I made. I always knew what I wanted or may be I never did. The more I am aware of "myself" the more doubts I have about the choices I make for myself. Be it personal or professional I am taking things real slow, simply because I don't know what I want.

I don't feel like doing anything. Left to me I will just quit and do my own thing. But practical side of my head is screaming abuses at me and asking me practical survival questions. I am qualified to be a lawyer but I am not sure anymore if this is what I want to do anymore at all. But this is all I know. I mean yeah I want to be a receptionist or something but that's not going to happen. No one is going to hire me for that.

Do I stay in the same city? Do I move out? Do I change careers? Do I go back to being a lawyer in a lawfirm? What do I do? Where do I find answers? Questions, questions and more questions I have but no answers. Surprisingly I am not worried, depressed or stressed about anything. Is something seriously wrong with me???????

Moving on yet again....

So...my instinct was right. It is time to move on. This one was also not permanent. I am talking about my job here. Finally decided to quit and figure something out. For the first time I don't know what I want to do where I want to work. But strangely enough I am not stressed or worried about it. I was hitting a dead end and going no where with this one, better to end the relationship while I am still happy about it. I ended it. It was the most mature break up ever and I know we will always be friends.

Now to the question of where do I go from here? I don't know. I hope I will know sooner than later. I have never been so uncertain professionally. I always had offers or knew exactly what I wanted. This time I don't. I am just going to go with the flow, listen to the inner voice and go where life takes me.

I am just happy to move on. To face new challenges, the excitement of something new is great. Everyone is worried about my career stability, how all this move will reflect on my resume, but I don't care. I know this is all happening for a reason and all part of finding myself.

Wonder why??????

Self-realisation is not such a great thing I think. Till that happened one could just blame events and mistakes on not knowing what was going on. When one is fully aware of the goings on then nothing else to do but pay the price. But in this case I don't even if there is a price to say. Strangely enough I am not in any emotional turmoil which I would have been under similar circumstances. I am numb to whole thing. It didnt feel like anything at all. Neither did the event bother me nor did it stir anything inside. What does this mean? I have been wondering all night. Does this have any effect on what is already there. But what is there it is all grey anyway. I suppose lfie goes on. Just another meaningless event....

S someday we will talk about all this and laugh I hope. I hope we see that day.....

When it is all going fine....
When it is all going fine
Why doesn’t it ever feel that way
It feels like the calm before the storm
Like the beautiful clear blue sky is
Only waiting to turn grey and
Unleash its fury in full force
Is life also like the clear blue sky?
One moment you are smiling and admiring it
The next the flood gate of tears have opened
Your heart has been pierced so deep
Yet again!!
Will this ever change, when it is going fine, will it be that way...
In utopia may be....

Random musings....
There are so many things I wanted to call this post but settled on the above since it is going to be one. This is going to be a post about many things I wanted to write about/many people actually. So here you go....
p.s. Please be prepared for a long rant... if you have no time or patience then I suggest you don’t read this. It may not even make sense.
I have this habit rather an addiction of reading anything and everything. One such addiction is reading random blogs. I jump from one blog to another and have been a fan of quite a few without the authors having any idea of this secret admirer. Okay before you jump to conclusions!! I don’t stalk them. I just like their writing and these are people whose thoughts are almost mirror my own.
Anyway off late I have been reading this blog (she is a friend’s friend). Strangely enough I immediately identified the person. She has no clue of my existence but I do. I have known of her in a different context but I was amazed at my own ability to put that picture together. It sometimes is baffling how much information (mostly junk) my mind can store and put them to use as well. Anyway reading this girl’s blog (we will call her maggi after the noodles) seem to be sailing a similar boat in life. I felt an instant connection with her writing. It so happened that the first entry I read was a collection of her experiences of meeting men/boys through the arranged marriage process. As most of you who know me know that it is so my story as well. I have just been too lazy to record my lovely experiences. Someday you will all get to read. So anyway going back to maggi’s blog, strange as it may sound, she had written about a guy she met. I instantly recognised that fellow as well. Gawd what am I turning into!!!!!! Anyway I was also once considered by his family for him but then I suppose they realised we were too uncool for them and didn’t go anywhere. I was pleased as punch to read the funny things maggi had to say about him. Isn’t it really strange that two women who never met but in the same profession went to relatively well known colleges, went out of the country around the same time, know people in common... it spooks me. It spooks me even more when I read her other entries how I want to scream and tell her I agree too. So today I was reading maggi’s another friend’s blog (we will call her Top Ramen, yes I am hungry and craving noodles). Yet another single, independent twenty something girl. Her views on world and men in particular. Gawd she had written all that I ever wanted to say. It is the story of my life. Doing well in life, making reasonable amount of money, enough to get by through the month after all the payments. Pay my bills etc., do my taxes on my own and would like to consider myself to be fairly matured and sensible. Yet one thing that is beyond me is what a man wants from me. If I downplay my independence card they run away thinking am needy, if I play my I am self sufficient card they ask me why I want to get married and “my types” would be too happy with self to be anyone else. WTF!!!!! So after reading their blogs decided am also going to let the steam off.
So yes I am single and ready to mingle. Have never been shy of admitting this fact at all. Pretty much been single all my life barring those sporadic periods of a man in life. Most of them totally random with no meaning to it, at least that’s what I figured later. Some meaningful ones but for whatever reason they had to end. I have done reasonably done well in academics and am here today with a nice job, which I have no complaints against. So anyway I take care of my own needs. Been on my own now for almost 10 years (phew!!) but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to be with another human being for the rest of my life. I hate it when some people point out to me that I am very independent hence send out the signal of not wanting someone WTF I say!!!!!!!

Is this it...
One silly talk
Is this it
This is all it takes
To shatter the carefully built
Castle of cards
The insane moments forgotten
The magic in the air gone
All that is left is for me to wonder
Is this it....

The itch....

I just realised that in the last 10 years I have never really stayed in one place for too long. Yes college was 5 years. But even there every 3 or 4 months I moved around in the pretext of vacation or internships. Post College moved home to work only to leave to foreign shores in 24 months, only to leave foreign shores in 12 months and 6 days of moving there. Within that moved two states and saw many cities. Since moving back home, I moved from home town another smaller city, only to leave that place in 4 months. Now live in a different city and its 18 months since I moved here. I can feel the itch now to move again. But don’t know where to and what to do. I have only known one thing and that is the law that has kept me going all these years. Not sure now how long I can sustain my interest in this. Somehow there is something in me that is screaming for change of air, don’t know if I should take that as a sign or just ignore and get on with life. I know my story isn’t unique and know a lot of friends who have moved around similarly if not more. I am just writing this partly hoping writing it down will take me somewhere give me some clarity. A sense of boredom has settled with my life. I am not ready for the monotony that life has to offer I suppose. My job which until recently I quite liked is getting to me, making me complacent and is quite boring. I have never been one to put up with something for long. I have done things only because I wanted to and I enjoyed doing the same. So where is it going to be , my next stop????? I wonder...