Awakening from the slumber!
A lot of thoughts have been running through my mind the past few days. The silence at home helped listen to voices inside my head clearly. Off late I started getting a feeling that I was slipping away and that too very fast. I realized that it almost felt like I was in this long slumber all these months that I have been sitting at home.
I have just not been able to get myself to do anything productive at all. I mean there has been this amazing ability to postpone things indefinitely and I was getting very good at giving myself excuses for not doing something. This attitude was slowly acting like a virus inside my mind. I was becoming very slow in my thinking. My mind was in a constant state of agitation about hundred things at the same time but somehow not doing anything about even one of them. I was getting comfortable with this agitated state of mind, telling myself that I was going through a phase and I will be able to get up and do things once I get out of it. The fact was that I just made no attempt at helping myself at all.
Okay now for a little background on how it all started. Met with an accident a few months back. That was the day I was going to tell my boss that I had had enough of that office and that I wanted to quit. But guess what destiny had other plans for me to quit work. Anyways I was out of action for a while! Then got better, but never returned to work since there were other developments happening on the academic front!
This was also the time when I had to be there for one of my siblings and for my family, considering I had put them through a lot (literally Hell!) the past months. When things were looking like they were going to settle down and I could get my act together, I had to make an unexpected trip to Calcutta. Well, I love that city, met some old friends so stayed on for 5 days instead of the originally planned two. This was just the beginning of my taking things easily and I think my brain was dying a slow death!
The next event that happened for which I again claimed that I needed to give my attention and hence didn't do anything worthwhile was, my mom's trip to London. Well I know she needed me to do things and stuff. But hell not for 24 hours! Anyways it's been almost three weeks since she left. I started slowly picking up the pieces of my brains which were by now scattered all over the place. Somehow there was this complete blankness in my mind. I didn't know what to do or how to figure what was going on inside my head.
Then I told myself that I needed a break( like I had done too much!). This was the ultimate blow to my thinking abilities. By taking a break I put my brain to a nice sleep. First few days after mom left, I just didn't know how to cope with the silence around the house. I just wanted to scream! Then to overcome this I started spending too much time on the internet. Not doing anything useful though except letting the whole world know that I had no work and that time was my best friend as I had loads of it. Slowly, it started sinking in that my mind and my body were acting very differently. I mean my mind had become a total stranger to me.
There are a few things that I really enjoy doing and some I am quite good atand one of those things reading. Till recently, I took great pride on my taste in books and my ability to read voraciously. This got really affected because of the wonderful sleep my mind was enjoying. I just simply couldn't get myself to read anything. I was going completely mad. My frustrations only increased and I was doing pretty stupid stuff (don't even ask). The other thing that I mentioned above that I am good at is ability to cook. There would be enough and more people from college days to vouch for it and now my Dad (my biggest fan!). The evening cooking time turned out to be almost like meditation for me. I realized this only in the last few days. My ever agitated mind was unusually calm. I think the music (Bharathiyar songs sung by Bombay Jayshree) played a part too. Then I started introspect my actions in the past few months. Slowly I could see clarity in my thinking. I continued this for a few days, spending about hour or so making dinner and self-introspection.
The final nail was when I was talking to a friend last night, somehow the topic about time came and I think he didn't mean it seriously. But when I told him I don't keep a clock in my room and don't wear a watch, he said you need to keep track of time only if you have work to do (or something to that effect). Then in the morning told myself that there was going to be no more idling away to glory and it was time to act.
Planned my day very well. Completed almost all my tasks for the day. From next week, I should joining for a foreign language course and finally join swimming classes.
On a closing note, this line from the song 'Manathil uruthi vendum', " kan thirendida vendum, kariyathil urudi vendum"...... actually one should listen to the entire song......Its awesome...
Ofcourse the icing on the cake was an amazing time spent with dad on our way back home after meeting a family friend. Never felt so much better. Dad as always surprising with the ideas he can come up and its so amazing considering there was huge Berlin wall between just a few months back now there is not even a trace of it ever being there. Have never felt closer to him than in the last few weeks. Just wish I had taken time out much before, like they always they say' better late than never'. Am glad to still be able to say 'my daddy my hero'.
A lot of thoughts have been running through my mind the past few days. The silence at home helped listen to voices inside my head clearly. Off late I started getting a feeling that I was slipping away and that too very fast. I realized that it almost felt like I was in this long slumber all these months that I have been sitting at home.
I have just not been able to get myself to do anything productive at all. I mean there has been this amazing ability to postpone things indefinitely and I was getting very good at giving myself excuses for not doing something. This attitude was slowly acting like a virus inside my mind. I was becoming very slow in my thinking. My mind was in a constant state of agitation about hundred things at the same time but somehow not doing anything about even one of them. I was getting comfortable with this agitated state of mind, telling myself that I was going through a phase and I will be able to get up and do things once I get out of it. The fact was that I just made no attempt at helping myself at all.
Okay now for a little background on how it all started. Met with an accident a few months back. That was the day I was going to tell my boss that I had had enough of that office and that I wanted to quit. But guess what destiny had other plans for me to quit work. Anyways I was out of action for a while! Then got better, but never returned to work since there were other developments happening on the academic front!
This was also the time when I had to be there for one of my siblings and for my family, considering I had put them through a lot (literally Hell!) the past months. When things were looking like they were going to settle down and I could get my act together, I had to make an unexpected trip to Calcutta. Well, I love that city, met some old friends so stayed on for 5 days instead of the originally planned two. This was just the beginning of my taking things easily and I think my brain was dying a slow death!
The next event that happened for which I again claimed that I needed to give my attention and hence didn't do anything worthwhile was, my mom's trip to London. Well I know she needed me to do things and stuff. But hell not for 24 hours! Anyways it's been almost three weeks since she left. I started slowly picking up the pieces of my brains which were by now scattered all over the place. Somehow there was this complete blankness in my mind. I didn't know what to do or how to figure what was going on inside my head.
Then I told myself that I needed a break( like I had done too much!). This was the ultimate blow to my thinking abilities. By taking a break I put my brain to a nice sleep. First few days after mom left, I just didn't know how to cope with the silence around the house. I just wanted to scream! Then to overcome this I started spending too much time on the internet. Not doing anything useful though except letting the whole world know that I had no work and that time was my best friend as I had loads of it. Slowly, it started sinking in that my mind and my body were acting very differently. I mean my mind had become a total stranger to me.
There are a few things that I really enjoy doing and some I am quite good atand one of those things reading. Till recently, I took great pride on my taste in books and my ability to read voraciously. This got really affected because of the wonderful sleep my mind was enjoying. I just simply couldn't get myself to read anything. I was going completely mad. My frustrations only increased and I was doing pretty stupid stuff (don't even ask). The other thing that I mentioned above that I am good at is ability to cook. There would be enough and more people from college days to vouch for it and now my Dad (my biggest fan!). The evening cooking time turned out to be almost like meditation for me. I realized this only in the last few days. My ever agitated mind was unusually calm. I think the music (Bharathiyar songs sung by Bombay Jayshree) played a part too. Then I started introspect my actions in the past few months. Slowly I could see clarity in my thinking. I continued this for a few days, spending about hour or so making dinner and self-introspection.
The final nail was when I was talking to a friend last night, somehow the topic about time came and I think he didn't mean it seriously. But when I told him I don't keep a clock in my room and don't wear a watch, he said you need to keep track of time only if you have work to do (or something to that effect). Then in the morning told myself that there was going to be no more idling away to glory and it was time to act.
Planned my day very well. Completed almost all my tasks for the day. From next week, I should joining for a foreign language course and finally join swimming classes.
On a closing note, this line from the song 'Manathil uruthi vendum', " kan thirendida vendum, kariyathil urudi vendum"...... actually one should listen to the entire song......Its awesome...
Ofcourse the icing on the cake was an amazing time spent with dad on our way back home after meeting a family friend. Never felt so much better. Dad as always surprising with the ideas he can come up and its so amazing considering there was huge Berlin wall between just a few months back now there is not even a trace of it ever being there. Have never felt closer to him than in the last few weeks. Just wish I had taken time out much before, like they always they say' better late than never'. Am glad to still be able to say 'my daddy my hero'.
posted by Euphoric Madness! | 11:07 pm
2 Comments:
With good paragraph spacing, and a good font size, this was much easier to read.
g'man - thanks ya....your suggestion helped :)......
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