The year that was!!!!!!!

[Disclaimer: Read at your own risk. It’s long and probably doesn’t make sense. Yes I started out to say something went somewhere else and ended elsewhere. I don’t want to give gory details of ML and his antics later after the engagement was called off or during the engagement. So the conclusion is yes we make mistakes and we don’t realise it’s a mistake, we won’t be making them if we do. I made one, I have moved and glad that the mistake is over and behind me.]

The Hindu newspaper has a column titled "this day that age" and usually covers historical events around the world. As a child I would love to read that column whether I understood all that was written there or not. Now ofcourse I have very little patience to read the newspaper. Looking back I have many such instances that would fit into the "this day that age" segment. But one of those incidents that has been eating my brain is what happened a year ago on this day.

Yesterday I completed 27 years on this beautiful universe. I would love to say that I took a philosophical look back at life so far etc. but I didn't do any such thing. The only thing I looked back at and then thanked God and destiny and everything else for where I am today and not where I could have been.

Okay now a little bit of background and bear with me if I diverge into other stories. Mr. Big (yes I follow SATC much to T's displeasure and I have met my Mr. Big, it’s another story for another day) always jokes about how I start off at point and travel to several places before reaching the desired destination. But I love detours and as a child used like long bus journeys and looking out the window. Coming to the story, I believe that we are all allowed our fair share of blunders and as long as we at least try to fix them Life isn't so bad.

Among many blunders in life I would have made one such irreparable blunder this day last year but soon it was fixed. Nevertheless it remained a blunder in a smaller form and continues to do so. So what is that blunder I am talking about? Its blunder I made in choosing a life partner. As a sensible, educated, reasonably well travelled (yes, I like to say all this about myself!) its hard to imagine that I took to such a rash decision on such an important aspect of life. Its not like I go about telling people that I was engaged to Mad Lover (ML), but when I do end up opening that topic, the first reaction is "oh what were you thinking" "you should have called it off earlier" "how did you agree to this". I never said anything. I would always smile, nod and move on to other topics.

I have never stopped thinking about these questions. A year ago on this day I was engaged to ML. A day my family and I wish never happened. But we can't erase it, it’s already out there. So by way of answering all of those questions I have been asked so many times and to put an end my own questions I am writing this post. It’s already long and will be a bit longer. But well if I don’t spill the beans here where else will I.

I came back to motherland after a tough year academically and emotionally (another story for another day). I have always liked the idea of marriage and I think I have wanted to get married for a while. I was smitten by the beauty of our weddings (tambram in my case), I just loved the flowers, the jewellery, the mehendi, and much more. I didn’t like attending other weddings but dreamt about mine a lot. Till then I was an insecure kid as far as relationships were concerned and had a very naive/simple way of looking at them. None of the brief ones I was involved in were ever simple. I wanted to get into the shoes of the typical Chennai tambram girl (my own definition) and figured marrying a fellow tambram the traditional way was the answer. Today when I look back I feel rather stupid for thinking that way. I had no clue about marriage and more importantly why I wanted to get married. I once got really offended when my brother commented that I was too young (@25) to think of marriage and that I should wait. But ofcourse listening to others, thinking rationally, logic, reason, and patience were not my best strengths till then, especially in the matters of heart.

So there I was totally confused and added to this, enthusiastic parents happy to encourage daughter’s foolishness about marriage. Can’t blame them they had no idea about my stupidity. Anyway, through one of the online matrimonial portals (yes I was on one of those and even now my folks have my profile out there!!!!) we got this proposal. The guy was average looking and my family (parents and siblings) were not happy at all with his looks. I wanted to be the mature one and didn’t mind the looks and wanted to go for it (Looks have never mattered to me ever. I strongly believe beauty in the eyes of the beholder!!! How profound!!!!). Reluctantly at my insistence my family proceeded with the usual horoscope stuff. I had spoken to a few guys by then and decided I will not take time to decide on this one and will skip the modern day courtship period even in arranged marriages. I just wanted to be done with it. I told you I wasn’t thinking. None of my friends knew about this until my meeting with the guy and things had progressed to a point. I knew they would drive sense into me (T this is for you) and I didn’t want any of that. I spoke to the guy briefly and then met him and his family. I didn’t take much time to make up my mind. I think even the guy took longer to decide.

Yeah there were signs (many) right from the beginning. Did I see them? May be or may be not. Was I desperate and chose to ignore them? I would like to believe that I wasn’t desperate. The point is later things were not working out and it is easy for others when they hear about it, to say that it was obvious, it’s never that easy while you are still involved to see the signs. That’s what happened to me. Incompatibility not just between ML and me, but also between the two families was becoming evident. Somehow, we believed that things might iron out. I didn’t want to give up on a relationship very easily. I wanted to convince myself thoroughly that it wasn’t worth the struggle. It took me time to realise that if a relationship can sustain only on struggles at every step that relationship was going to collapse and there was no way out.

The engagement was the starting point for me. From there the relationship only went downhill. The decision wasn’t easy. I don’t think it’s easy to let go off anything, even if it’s painful. But eventually a month later I did. The engagement was called off. I had the support of my entire family, in fact it’s my family that helped me make this decision and saved me from a life of misery and pain. Even today thinking of that day is painful for me. The thought of my birthday a year ago that saw me shedding bucket load of tears is still fresh on my mind.

But yesterday I had a lovely birthday filled love from friends and family and of course. beautiful gifts!!!!!!! I have always had a child like enthusiasm about birthday. I look forward to it for months and that day irrespective of my age I don’t feel a day older a five year old. I am glad the awful days are behind me!!!!!

I know this has been a really long post and I don’t know if it makes sense or if I have said all that I wanted to say. I don’t think I am a good writer or even a decent one. I can never say things precisely, but this is no novel I am writing I just wanted to let out those emotions and take a look at the year that went by!!!!!!!

Here is to a year gone by and for new beginnings. Love to all those that stood by me, lifted me up showed me a beautiful life and world full of hope. I am forever grateful! Amma and appa for being the bestest parents in the world, gats and rams (N and S) couldn’t ask for better siblings for knowing me so well, for letting me be, allowing me to make mistakes and not saying ‘I told you so’, T no words can say how much you mean to me, RP the same, for putting up with me when I landed with bag and baggage 11 months ago, always there from playing with me to lending me a shoulder to cry, Professor my silent rock, always there and always making me look at the bright side of life, Dee, for just listening to my rants for the past two years and being there for me always, and all those who I met in the last 11 months who have gone out of your way to make life wonderful for me and always bringing that smile on my face (Pri through your blogs, love ya!, Sri my soul brother, always making me laugh, Adi my beauty, chetan my love, lover for unconditional love, G the love of my life -the eternal optimist and her husband, Muffin for all those lovely evenings and silent conversations, R who has been the biggest support ever and continues to be there, and so many others, Kar, Yam, and Mr. Big all of you for making laugh, knowingly or unknowingly wiping those tears away!!!!!!!!!!!) Thanks for a memorable year helping me out of trauma and just by being part of my life!!!!!!!!!!!)

Phew!!!!!! I am done