It's all over now

A lot has happened these past few weeks. Reading through the last couple of months posts, I realised I was never sure of things working out with S. It was too good to be true. The way it all started out it was quite nice. He went out of his way (or may be not) to say the right things; make me feel the right way. Of course in the end he didn’t really say anything at all. It was all just very easy for him to let go or so I want to believe. Anyway the fairy tale ride is finally over now.

It is back to reality time. I try my best not to think of S much. But sometimes I can’t help it. It was so reassuring to have someone to talk to always. I come back from somewhere my instinct wants to call him hear that loud laughter, that soothing voice asking me how I am, if my back hurts and asking me to eat and rest. I realised while I was in it I was never sure of it working out or how much I liked being with S. Now that it’s not there anymore, whatever we had, I miss it terribly. I miss someone calling me fraud and boss. I keep playing those conversations over and over in my head.

I am not angry at all. I am only sad the way things turned out. There is a part of me that wants to believe that things weren't working out and I am better off moving on. There is a part of me that's wondering if I rushed into ending it. There is another part of me that's wondering why you didn't ask me to hang in there, wait it out till we both figured things out. I know there is no point in asking these questions as it over now. But I had to put it down here. I have been having a million conversations in my head. I know I will move on eventually but for now the memories are still fresh and I still think about you a lot. I think about the times we could read each other's mind. How you would call when I was just thinking about you. How every time I thought you didn't care you surprised me and showed me how much you cared. I miss everything about us. I hadn't felt this way about someone in a long time. No one made me laugh so much. Even the last time we met, you said there was nothing that was going wrong with us; there was nothing about me that bothered you. I couldn't say the same about you. I wanted so much more and I couldn't tell you that. It is all for the good I hope that we both go our separate ways. Hopefully we will find what we are looking for. Hopefully it was just me moments we have with someone but a lifetime. In the end you did go with the flow and kept true to the statement "whatever works for you". I will never be able to use it the same way. My favorite city will never be the same for me. It has such happy memories. Life will go on with those happy memories......