I am not sure who I am anymore. I am longing for the snow, the loneliness and a strange world. Is it time go away yet again???? Somewhere something tells me the peace and happiness of the last few months is fast coming to an end. Time to close yet another chapter. But I am not ready open a new one, not this time. I don't want to run away. I want to face life, face myself. I don't know who I am anymore. Just when I thought I had it all figured out, it seems very far from that. It's amazing how I sit in front of the computer not seeing a soul (except one) not talking to anyone on the phone and even online chat may be only with one or two. I am okay with this and with the recent mess I don't even feel like meeting anyone leave along talking. Is there really something like soul cleansing?????
I was reading this essay written by a cancer survivor. Every second sentence had the "integrity" mentioned in it. Somewhere something inside me collapsed. I have often been told that I am too severe on myself. I don't think so. All my severity comes to nothing when I have no control over my actions. How long can I go on like this???
At different occasions people have told me that I don't sound like the marriage types. I always felt angry about such comments. I have always wanted to be married, have a family. I have dreamt of my wedding a million times. I knew I will be a good wife and great mother (there are things i think i am good at). But I am not sure of the marriage thing at all. Not because I have lost faith in the institution, but i have lost faith in myself. I keep falling into my own vicious cycle. Burdening myself with emotional baggage.
I am not sure where I am failing and why I am not addressing the issue. Or is there an issue at all. Sometimes it feels like I am just made this way. Multi personality, with totally contradictory sides. I dread to think what future has in store for me (personal life wise). I don't even believe in single parenting. I think it's unfair to deprive a child of both parents just to satisfy my selfish need to be a mother.
Hopefully there will be answers soon. I know the answers have to come from me. I hope they will...