Surprise Surprise

Another post already!!! yes this one is what out of a crazy need to pour out right now!!!! I am bored with my job. Nothing new if you are that infrequent reader who has chanced upon previous posts. I think I am one of those people who is destined to just search and continue searching for things and never really get them. I moved jobs hoping to get some professional clarity. I thought I would be busy again climbing the corporate law firm ladder and make something of myself. A young firm looked like a place full of opportunities to prove myself. I got into it head on. First month was enjoyable. The thrill of billing hours to clients who I was arrogant enough to assume needed my service. How materialistic have I become?? I enjoyed mentoring a lot, a path that helped satisfy my secret ambition to becoming a teacher. I didn't realise how soon all of this will fade away. Faded away now the professional happiness and the mentoring glory. I don't know how to motivate myself to keep going this way.

I am afraid I will leave this place sooner than I planned. I am afraid I will be without a job again. I don't know how to deal with this. I don't why life has turned this way. Why do I always fall for the illusion only to find out I made a mistake yet again. Sometimes I wish I magically disappear somewhere and never ever come back to this life ever again. I know its cowardice. No No I am not talking about killing myself. Just get away from all this and be far away somewhere and just lead a quiet life where this no need to bill hours or pressure to get married.

I am tired, plain and simple. At home I am constantly reminded of the need to choose a partner within the suggested parameters. I am told to be careful with my finances, I am told to be wise and stick with a life plan. I am told things will be okay. I am tired of all this. A job that doesn't satisfy me. A place where they don't know why they hired me and a partner I am unable decide if I can be with for a lifetime and who doesn't know if he wants to spend a lifetime with me.

Will I see the clear skies and blue water some day or is it only the dark passing clouds that never pass and the murky waters I am left with for a lifetime.

I don't know. Am I doing something wrong I am not aware of. Things can't always go wrong. I don't know. Hopefully I will get the answers some day. Am I failure after all in life.................I wonder